In life transitions, the most visible markers are the endings and the beginnings. What lies in the middle, between the ending and the beginning, we prefer to avoid. How to best describe this indeterminate space? It’s a space of numbness, amoeba like with no clear contours or perhaps a fog with seemingly unrelated ideas.
Worst of all is the feeling of disconnection: disconnection from self, from purpose, from direction. Suddenly the self we knew is no longer who we are and there is no map in sight to guide us. It doesn’t matter whether the ending was a personal decision, a good choice, or imposed. We think we should know what to do…be happy, be decisive…but we don’t. Not knowing is a space so uncomfortable at times that we fight. We fight against the feelings of nothingness, we are angry at the unsolicited disorientation. Not knowing feels bleak. So how can it be our friend?
William Bridges describes this period of time as a “neutral zone,” one essential to any form of transformation. He says, “the neutral zone provides access to an angle of vision on life that one can get nowhere else. And it is a succession of such views over a lifetime that produces wisdom.” So where in this neutral zone is the wisdom?
What if sitting with “not knowing” is a good place to start? Like two strangers sitting on a bench, getting comfortable with each other’s presence opens the way for a gentle curiosity. What does this stranger have to say? What questions does this stranger want us to ask? What if not knowing opens us to an unexpected understanding that triggers something…and then something else?
There is no real timeline in the neutral zone and probably not one single revelation. Yet we can trust that important knowledge occupies this space on the bench, as a friendship offering…to ourselves.
Bridges, William. (2004). Transitions-Making Sense of Life’s Changes. Da Capo Press: Cambridge, MA. P.142.
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