WHEN NOT KNOWING IS OUR FRIEND

In life transitions, the most visible markers are the endings and the beginnings.  What lies in the middle, between the ending and the beginning, we prefer to avoid.   How to best describe this indeterminate space?  It’s a space of numbness, amoeba like with no clear contours or perhaps a fog with seemingly unrelated ideas. 

Worst of all is the feeling of disconnection: disconnection from self, from purpose, from direction.  Suddenly the self we knew is no longer who we are and there is no map in sight to guide us.  It doesn’t matter whether the ending was a personal decision, a good choice, or imposed.  We think we should know what to do…be happy, be decisive…but we don’t.  Not knowing is a space so uncomfortable at times that we fight.  We fight against the feelings of nothingness, we are angry at the unsolicited disorientation.  Not knowing feels bleak.  So how can it be our friend?

William Bridges describes this period of time as a “neutral zone,” one essential to any form of transformation.  He says, “the neutral zone provides access to an angle of vision on life that one can get nowhere else.  And it is a succession of such views over a lifetime that produces wisdom.”  So where in this neutral zone is the wisdom?

What if sitting with “not knowing” is a good place to start?  Like two strangers sitting on a bench, getting comfortable with each other’s presence opens the way for a gentle curiosity. What does this stranger have to say?  What questions does this stranger want us to ask?  What if not knowing opens us to an unexpected understanding that triggers something…and then something else? 

There is no real timeline in the neutral zone and probably not one single revelation.  Yet we can trust that important knowledge occupies this space on the bench, as a friendship offering…to ourselves.

Bridges, William. (2004). Transitions-Making Sense of Life’s Changes. Da Capo Press: Cambridge, MA. P.142.

Where lies the motivation?

What motivates you to do something you don’t really want to do even if it’s beneficial?  Where does your energy come from: Is it other's opinions? Deadlines? The relief of getting it out of the way? 

Or, if fortunate, you are intrinsically motivated – meaning you find flow and engagement regardless.  Living every day fueled by intrinsic motivation is indeed wonderful.  And for some, this may be the case.  For the rest of us, we are grateful when we have it knowing that too high of an expectation can get us stuck (i.e. if I don’t feel intrinsically motivated, what does that say about me?...).

Extrinsic motivation, if we are honest with ourselves, is rather common:  We work to be paid, we eat well to stay healthy, we are on time to avoid trouble.  Often it’s enough to aim for an expected outcome, a known quantity that sustains us and supports us.  The downside is that at some point, the condition that motivates us loses its attraction: maybe the pay is no longer worth the work; or eating healthy does not prevent disease; or being on time doesn’t make the meeting more productive.

Recognizing that intrinsic and extrinsic motivations are at once powerful and at times limited, then what else can get us past our reluctance? Perhaps part of the answer is within our inherent quest for significance: remembering the importance of what we do and how that connects to who we are.  There are two key questions to ask ourselves: “Who do we want to be?” and “Why is it important?”

To say:

I want to be a healthy eater (because I am worth it);

I want to be a thoughtful colleague (because my interactions are important);

have a different resonance. 

So next time you find yourself dreading a task, I leave you with a few questions to consider:

·      What is the significance of the task?

·      How does it relate to who you want to be?

·      Why is it important?

Feel free to reach out, Allyson

What is Worth Holding on To?

Rather than a resolution, what happens if you focus on what you want to hold on to?  There are good habits, relationships, activities, work and motivations important enough to pay attention to. Perhaps your energy is best spent on what you want to cultivate in yourself and in others instead of being distracting by misplaced expectations. 

To change suggests a sudden ending like quitting an old habit or quitting a job. Change can leave you in limbo—how do I fill the vacuum left by an unwanted habit or what is my next job going to be?  Nor does change address the underlying motivations that may get in your way.  We risk finding ourselves back where we started: same job, different place; old habits creeping back in.

More often what you really want is transformation like becoming better at something and improving in significant ways the life you live and the person you are.  You want a new perspective on yourself and to view your reflection in the mirror and know, yes—you are now much better than you were before.  Knowing what to hold on to makes it easier to know what to let go of.  As you welcome 2024, may you transform from a place of strength.